grace grows best in winter.

when the tree looks dead. when all the leaves have fallen. when no life appears to be bursting forth. then the roots grow deep.

how am i going to use these long dreary months of winter? will i continue on in my old habits of staying couped up inside all day long. of making excuses for my bad moods. of dreading each day because it means facing the bitter cold?

or will i decide that in these months - when the pace of life slows down a little bit. that i will pay attention to my growing roots instead of the bare branches surrounding me?

i have been preparing for this day of first snowfall for months now. reading, writing and praying that my God will allow me to see more this time. to look beyond my immediate wants and desires into the abundant gift of grace that is present in the midst of the season.

i know that with this new mindset things won't automatically be easy, but i know that my awareness and my desire to seek harder after God's blessings and hopes for my winter will allow me to not simply endure, but to find life.

dolla dolla bill ya'll.

money sucks. there is never enough.

it isn't so much that money is controlling me as it is controlling me.
let me explain...

the things i am choosing to spend my money on are good. i was thinking about it the other day and probably a very large majority of my money is actually going towards God's kingdom in one form or another. even if you include paying bills to be able to live in a house full of beautful christian women - it was a decision that God led me to make and thus i can be confident that it is a way that God wanted me to spend some extra money.

it can just be frustrating not to have it around when it is good things you want to spend it on. especially this year, as christmas is coming up...it is a perfect way to show people around you how much you love them by taking the time to pick out a special gift for them and spend a little extra dough. but it's not there so instead you have to make them something that was supposed to be cool, but will instead turn out looking like a 3 year old did it and say "look, this is how much you mean to me."

ok ok...so a little over exagerrated.

anyways. as i look into the holiday season and beyond. as i am stressing out about finding an internship next semester that will also allow for time to actually make money. as i anticipate what my fate will be next year for school. if i will immediately continue my education leaving myself thousands of more dollars in the hole or if i will instead have to get a full time job, health insurance and start paying off the mounds of loans that have already accumulated.

ah yes. so it goes.

hope rising.

i have been thinking a lot lately about how to better allow God to permeate my life with his joy.

here are some things that make me feel most joyful:
-music
-basketball
-cherry pie
-eating dinner at home with my family
-riding shotgun to my dad
-family reunions
-being anywhere in the vicinity of Sleeping Bear Dunes
-getting soup at Panera with my boyfriend
-playing with little kids
-talking to my siblings
-going out to lunch with my mom
-talking to friends about all the things we are hopeful for
-Riverview Community Church
-singing worship songs
-long car rides alone when i can sing out loud
-indian summers
-full moons
-waking up on the first day of summer vacation
-eating fresh watermelon
-baking something and having everyone love it!
-taking pictures
-unexpected conversations with friends
-parties when lots of friends are together
-march madness: especially when i do good on my bracket
-being with a person who is really excited about something
-getting back a good test grade
-road trips to visit people
-concerts when i know all the songs



though the paths we are on may be full of bumps, turns and backtracking. i want to be someone who can say at the end of everyday- "God is so good."
in everything i do and in everyone i am around i want to allow the light of the Spirit that God has placed inside of me to more fully shine. there is a balance between what i am capable of and what i just cannot do. the difference is prayer. is scripture. is Jesus Christ.

"You have made known to me the paths of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence."
Acts 2:28

is it worth it?

in the last week i have had a lot of conversations with people either trying to answer that question for themselves, or for someone they love.

is it worth it?

as a christian we are putting our whole purpose of life and livelihood in an adamant "YES!" - we are putting all of our eggs into this Jesus basket and we are closing our eyes and barreling through life until we come out on the other side we are hoping for.

i am reading a book right now by Francis Chan called "Forgotten God" - it is about the severe lack of Holy Spirit we have in our lives and churches these days. and one of the main points it touches on within the first chapter is this question followed by another:

what are you afraid of?

if we have decided to put our faith into God and our life into promoting his name among the nations, then why aren't we searching on a regular basis for new ways to be transformed by the Spirit that is already within us. that Spirit instead is just sitting inside of us, dormant, and in turn we are not the light to the world we are supposed to be. in fact, we are absolutely NO DIFFERENT than the rest of the world. so why would we proclaim to be a Christ follower for anything more than just hoping we will make it to heaven?

in Mark 3:14 Jesus is appointing the 12 apostles. in doing so he says that he calls them for 2 reasons. 1- "to be with Jesus" - which if you are a "christian" this is how we usually classify ourselves. but we are missing the second and most important part that Jesus says immediately after - 2- "to be sent out to preach".

to live out our faith among nations. to set ourselves apart.

when Jesus was about to ascend back up to heaven he tells his disciples that he is leaving them, but that it is necessary to do so, because by him leaving they will receive something "just as good" - the Holy Spirit. are we living as though we have something "just as good" as the real living, breathing Jesus inside of us? i know that i'm not.

i like this quote by oldie Tertullian:
"The Lord challenges us to suffer persecutions and to confess Him. He wants those who belong to Him to be brave and fearless."

i'm supposed to have it all together?

sometimes i don't really know what the heck i am doing.
i feel as though i try hard though.
i feel as though i have everyone's best interest in mind.

sometimes though i feel like i am letting everyone and their mom's down.
i feel as though my best isn't good enough for anyone.
i feel as though i am failing.

did i miss something?
was i supposed to make everyone happy all the time?
am i to blame for the confusion that is life?

sometimes i feels as though i am.
sometimes it feels like i am supposed to have it all together.

lucky for me...someone else does.